


Selfish//Selfless

by LovingLovelyLoners



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Again it's not all that conclusive but listen I use fic to help me figure shit out okay, Captain America: The First Avenger, Emotional Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Thinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:55:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22429732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovingLovelyLoners/pseuds/LovingLovelyLoners
Summary: This is a conversation (and subsequent angsting) that happens after Steve rescues Bucky in TFA, and then tries to talk to him about it.“You’ve been different.”The finality of it hits Bucky like a brick. He’s not different. He should be allowed to think in the goddamn place, shouldn’t he? Especially after being a prisoner, especially after a change in Steve so baffling that it feels like he should be mourning something, it doesn’t mean he’s different just because he’s been trying to think.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Kudos: 9





	Selfish//Selfless

“What did they do to you, Buck?” Steve asks, eyes wide and intense.

The chaos has slowed, they’re safe, but somehow it still doesn’t feel like it. The walls around them are all temporary, enemies could be lurking behind any cloth tent, or behind the eyes of someone in a uniform like his own. Not Steve, he thinks. Steve wouldn’t hurt him, couldn’t. Clearly Steve’s pained just at the thought of him being hurt, so he should feel safe here, with him.

He doesn’t.

The slightest glimmer in Steve’s eyes—that’s what makes Bucky crack a strained smile. Trying to make Steve feel better by pure instinct, knowing that even a forced smile—a lie Steve sees right through—is still a smile. Something to keep Steve afloat instead of paddling through the hurt splayed across his face.

Trying to stick a hand above water even if he can’t see and his ears are muting the sounds around them.

“I’m okay,” he says, trying to be genuine, but it’s an empty promise. Steve frowns.

“But did they do…anything?” Steve shoots back, not letting him get away with the dodge of topic. Bucky opens his mouth, but before he can reply, Steve adds a quiet:

“You’ve been different.”

The finality of it hits Bucky like a brick. He’s not _different._ He should be allowed to _think_ in the goddamn place, shouldn’t he? Especially after being a prisoner, especially after a change in Steve so baffling that it feels like he should be _mourning_ something, it doesn’t mean he’s different just because he’s been trying to _think_.

Yes, Bucky knows that he might not look completely normal from the outside. Getting out of bed hours after he’s woken up, going to bed hours before he falls asleep. Cigarette breaks, always alone, and making sure to take small pulls that ensure he doesn’t go back to the world in less than an hour. Needing things repeated, skipping nights out, turning down cards with the guys in favor of staring out at the barren forest around them.

But it’s not something he’s doing on purpose. His eyes just keep slipping around, making sure no one he knows is in the perimeter. His feet point away from familiar faces. His body gets agitated and taunts him when he doesn’t listen to his thoughts. His thoughts are always looking for another answer about the mission, about what happened, about Steve.

“I’m _fine_.” Bucky spits, and his smile turns to a sneer. It only takes the fall of Steve’s features for him to taste regret heavy on his tongue and shift his expression, apologizing without a word.

“I’ve just been thinking,” he mutters, vaguely. Honesty without vulnerability.

Steve shifts, wanting more, but not wanting to make things worse. Bucky knows the drill though. Knows the inside of Steve’s mind better than his own, now more than ever. Knows how just one corner of his lip will pull up, uneasy in the face of Bucky being volatile, but not giving up.

“About what?”

A tiny warmth in Bucky expands. It may not look like Steve, but it’s him. It’s Steve, and he trusts Steve, he knows Steve. If this enormous, god-like body can hold the Steve he knows, maybe his own empty body can begin to accept himself again.

Bucky stops himself from simply saying ‘You.’ It’s not totally true. Steve’s transformation is just one of the many habits his mind has recently decided needs endless questioning. It’s also possibly the only habit that he’ll be able to stop, because he can actually get some answers.

“Well what about you?” Bucky asks. His genuine curiosity and worry stop the question from drowning in Steve’s now even more put-off expression.

Steve huffs, but before he can argue, a playful smile tugs at Bucky’s lips.

“You show me yours, I’ll show you mine?”

As if this were something to play about. As if both of their bodies had not been ripped from them in a matter of hours. As if they were simply huddled together under blankets on an ice-cold winter day, sharing fantastical stories to warm each other with smiles and sweep up the monotony.

It’s not like that at all, and Steve clearly doesn’t want to play hide-and-go-seek with secrets. But, he also knows how Bucky works, even when Bucky is working a little differently. If this is what it will take for Bucky to talk, Steve won’t hold anything back.

“Fine, well, did they tell you anything at all? About me? About…” Steve stifles an insecure laugh, “Captain America?”

Bucky just raises an eyebrow.

“Okay, okay. Well, right when you left, I tried to sign up for the draft again,”

Bucky smiles and rolls his eyes.

“and, on my way in, there was a doctor, doctor Ekerskine, who _appreciated_ me wanting to serve my country like everyone else.”

Bucky begins to respond, something surely witty with a pinch of affection, but Steve continues, getting more excited the more that he speaks.

“He said that he had been developing a serum, something to turn regular people into soldiers, and he said that he wanted _me_ to be the first. And—Buck, I didn’t even know what to think, just that I was so ready for the chance to even _try_. He kept saying that it was experimental, that I was legally signing away my body to the military, that maybe he shouldn’t do the full dosage. The American military does, legally, supposedly, have a lot of say in what I’m doing now.”

“But that won’t stop you.”

“Well, no, it hasn’t. And I wasn’t sure it was going to work, but I trusted Dr. Ekerskine, they did the procedure, and now I’m…this.” Steve gestures down at himself. His voice gets quieter.

“The lab, where we did it got ambushed…and Dr. Ekerskine was killed right after. He was shot, there was a spy in the room.” Steve looks disheartened even thinking about it.

“There was nothing we could do,” Bucky catches him not believing the words as they come out of his mouth. Steve shakes his head a little and then continues.

“I was supposed to be one of many ‘super soldiers,’ but the science for the serum is gone with Dr. Ekerskine. So the military didn’t really know what to do with me, and I started touring around with the dames selling war-bonds.”

Bucky grins. “So, Captain America’s a showgirl?”

Steve’s face shifts for a second, a flash of disappointment, a sore spot hit too soon.

“Well, I was, actually, but I couldn’t just have this new body and do nothing with it. And when we were supposed to do our dance for the 107th and you guys were…”

Understanding crosses Bucky’s features.

“You just jumped right into the action, didn’t you Stevie?”

“Yea, well, I had to. I wish I had sooner.”

Bucky barks out a bitter laugh. “Steve, you trust a random scientist with your body, but don’t trust yourself to know when to act? You were there when we needed you.”

“But…” Steve trails off, and trades his disappointed tone with a more serious one.

“What happened to you while I wasn’t there?”

And there was that question again. The one Bucky almost forgot that he had promised to answer as he lost himself in Steve’s story. It was hard for Bucky to believe, honestly, because since when does anyone with legal permission to screw you over NOT do exactly that? Bucky kind of wants to hit him over the head for being such an idiot, but he’d have no case in this situation. Steve’s body and mind are now more in his control that ever, simply because he trusted Dr. Ekerskine.

Bucky can’t say the same.

“Well, I can’t speak for the other guys. But I actually asked to go on the particular mission because it seemed like it’d be cool.” Bucky huffs a bitter laugh, and Steve’s expression grows concerned.

“I thought, hey! It’s a persuasion mission, not combat. I’ll actually get to talk to people outside of base. The idea of it was to pose as a nazi, listen to what was going on, and get out. Not standard, something different.”

Bucky pauses, sighing quietly.

“That’s not exactly…how it went.” He continues.

“I knew as soon as they started talking about their plans in Spain, a whole different country, that something was wrong. And I was willing to stick it out, but they captured me. So, as a POW, I knew that there was a chance they’d try to hurt us for information, but they weren’t…aren’t legally allowed too, and we’d just been captured so I didn’t think…”

Bucky trails off again, this time bringing his eyes away from Steve to take watch of the dirt beneath them. Quickly though, he brings them back up and slaps on a smile.

“I thought nothing that bad would happened to us, but we get there, and then they start fucking with my mind! It was really strange, like, there are pretty big chunks of our past that are totally gone, and I think they were trying to fill those voids with commands, but it’s okay, I’m okay.”

Bucky gets it out as quickly as possible, a tiny part of him hoping that Steve will let it go. Because yes, it could be seen as really bad, but he’s fine! There’s no need for Steve to be that worried. And the less time they spend speaking about it the less Bucky will have to think about it,

Steve looks horrified.

“Your _mind_?” And oh, has Steve forgotten what they’re dealing with. Not only are these nazi _fucking bastards_ killing innocent people and taking away their freedoms, but their minds too. _Bucky’s_ mind. Steve is seething with rage.

“That’s inhumane,” he says, wishing it was something more than the obvious.

“Yea, I guess they just strapped me down and started shooting me up, it felt like time was not passing, I honestly thought you were some sort of angel ready to take me away when it was all over, but overall it was just a really bad mission.”

“Bucky…” Steve gets out, even more confused than before.

“That’s more than just a bad mission.”

“I know,” Bucky replies, empty smirk cemented to his face. “It was a _really_ bad one.”

Steve doesn’t play along, his frown growing even deeper.

“Do you think you need some sort of…help? Bucky, you _have_ been different and if it’s from—“

“Stop _saying_ that!” Bucky yells back, because he won’t let Steve do it. He won’t let Steve make him the fucking _victim_ in this, he’s fucking _fine,_ it’s not like he was there for that long and he _held himself together_ damnit! He had _training_ , unlike _Steve_ , and he _understood_ that shitty things could potentially happen to them and he was _fine_. He was in _control_ , and Steve should not be acting like them trying to fuck with his head meant that he was fucking _broken_.

“It’s not _from_ anything, Steve. I’m in control, I’m _fine_. They shouldn’t have done what they did, but we made it out! You helped us Steve, it’s fine, I’m not hurt.”

Bucky’s outburst very clearly catches Steve off-guard, and he looks even more confused and puppy-dog-hurt than before.

“It’s my own damn fault anyway. _I_ was the one who wanted to do this, and I’m not even sure what they did to everyone else…”

Steve stays silent, and Bucky can taste Steve’s pity permeating the room. Bucky hates it, he hates this new Steve, he needs to not be here.

“I’m gonna go for a smoke,” he gets out, right as Steve begins to open his mouth. Steve doesn’t stop him, but they both know this conversation isn’t over.

Bucky spends a full ten minutes staring out at the burning sun before he touches the light to his cigarette.

Why would Steve let someone take advantage of him? Let someone have control of his body? Bucky knows why, he understands Steve’s commitment. But his trust? Essentially saying ‘I’ll do whatever it takes?’ Saying, ‘I can do this all day?’

How can Steve make a commitment like that when he doesn’t even know what decisions he’s making? How can he decide to trust without even fully knowing what he’s giving up? How can he trust himself if he knows that if he’s wrong, the consequences could be incredibly drastic?

Bucky understands, logically. He’s been with Steve through enough back-alley scuffles, he’s seen Steve standing up when there wasn’t even much of himself to pick up. Steve feels like he owes something, so for him, it’s not about the consequences. There is nothing not worth giving up for a chance at positive change.

He’s there until the end of the line.

Bucky gets it because he feels that way about Steve. He’s there, consequences be damned. But when it comes to a cause? When it comes to the changes in the world he cares about, it’s hard to think that way. Because he doesn’t trust himself enough to know what everyone else should be doing, hell, he barely knows what he himself should do. Bucky doesn’t always know even if his own intentions are pure. He thinks about the mission. He _did_ go on it because it sounded interesting, it was something to do, there might’ve even been some extra pay. Selfish. Get in and get out, do what needs to be done, not more.

And it’s not that he’s here entirely for selfish reasons. He saw the posters to sign up for the draft and he did feel inspired to help his country, he did want to help, it wasn’t just for the stories or for the pay. But even though that decision was inspired, his day-to-day, his reason for waking up in the morning now is not because he wants to help others, but more because he wants to avoid the consequences if he doesn’t.

Steve treats the world like Bucky treats Steve.

What’s worth it to Bucky is just different that what’s worth it for Steve. Because Steve is selfless, and Bucky? He’s a selfish bastard if there ever was one.


End file.
